Being there for someone is an art, not a science. There’s no formula or instruction manual because every situation is different.

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Be There Basics will help you learn how to recognize when someone might be struggling with their mental health and gives you 5 Golden Rules to help you support and be there for them.
 

Recognizing warning signs

We all experience less than optimal mental health now and then; whether that’s because of fear, sadness, stress, confusion, grief, or some other kind of mental distress.

What’s important is to recognize when the mental distress you or someone around you is experiencing becomes a mental health problem.

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Someone may be struggling with their mental health if you notice a change in their thoughts, feelings and behaviours that is:

Intense 
(stronger and more persistent than usual ups and downs)
Long-lasting
(usually two weeks or more)
Negatively affecting 
their daily routine, relationships or responsibilities
View examples

Just Be There

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No matter what someone’s going through, being there for them is an art, not a science.
 
There’s no formula to make everything better. But that’s not your job. You don’t have to craft the perfect conversation, you don’t have to have it all figured out.  You don’t have to fix things, you just have to Be There.

Maddi & Rachel

Learning to Be There

 Maddi & Rachel
Learning to Be There | Maddi & Rachel
"Everybody struggles, whether it's with mental illness or just a bad day at work or school. Everybody will have a day where they need some support." Maddi and Rachel met in training to become peer facilitators of a mental health support group. As their friendship grew, they were able to apply what they were learning by being there for one another. One day Rachel noticed Maddi wasn't as outgoing as usual so she checked in with her, listened and offered some encouragement. Maddi appreciated Rachel’s approach explaining, "Your expertise is just in walking with them and listening to them and being there with them when they need some extra support."

The Golden Rules

If you’re concerned someone’s mental distress is more than the regular ups and downs of life, use Be There’s Golden Rules to check in with them and talk about what’s going on.

1

Say what you see

Learn how to break the ice and start the conversation.
2

Show You Care

Learn how to build trust and support someone.
3

Hear Them Out

Learn how to be a good listener and balance the conversation.
4

Know Your Role

Learn how to set boundaries to protect your relationship and your mental health.
5

Connect to Help

Learn how to help someone access professional and community resources.

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Learn the Golden Rules
The Golden Rules can’t tell you exactly what to do to support someone because every person and situation is different. Instead, the Golden Rules are a guide to understanding how to be there in whatever circumstances you find yourself.

Questions from the community

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How do I tell the difference between regular changes in mood and symptoms of a mental health problem?

How do I tell the difference between regular changes in mood and symptoms of a mental health problem?

Everyone has ups and downs so it’s normal to experience changes in your mood, stress levels, appetite, etc. Maybe you haven’t slept well this week because you’re stressed about soccer finals. Maybe you’re so upset about something you can’t think straight. Maybe you’re so full of grief that you’re not as hungry as usual. Everyone responds differently to major life events and changing circumstances, but we all go through ups and downs. It's completely normal for these feelings to come and go, and usually we are able to ride it out and get back to feeling like our regular selves.

That said, there’s reason to be concerned when you’ve noticed a change in someone that becomes really intense, lasts a long time and/or is having a big impact on their day-to-day life. Changes in mood, stress, appetite, etc. might be symptoms of a mental health problem if:

  • The intensity of the change is disproportionate to the circumstances causing it (e.g. feeling so anxious about an exam that they’re nauseous and can barely eat all week.)
  • The change lasts several weeks (e.g. feeling like a failure and refusing to go out or socialize for three weeks after being cut from the baseball team.)
  • The change is significantly impacting daily routines, responsibilities, and relationships (e.g. refusing to leave the house, ignoring all calls and texts from family/friends, giving up on their schoolwork etc.)

These types of changes might mean someone is dealing with more than the regular ups and downs of life and needs some support.

I'm struggling with my mental health, can I still be there for someone?

I'm struggling with my mental health, can I still be there for someone?

Absolutely. Be There’s Golden Rules can help anyone support someone struggling with their mental health. We all experience ups and downs but you don’t have to have it all together to be there for someone. In fact, drawing on your own mental health struggles can sometimes help build trust and empathy towards someone else who is struggling. That said, we all have our own stuff going on that limits our time, energy, resiliency and emotional capacity. It’s important to set boundaries to take care of your own mental health and your relationship with whoever you’re supporting.

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How to start the conversation

Concerned about someone but not sure how to start the conversation? Learn to Say What You See.

FIRST GOLDEN RULE

Say What You See

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Say What You See

What are the signs someone might be struggling with their mental health?  

Behaviours that are having a big impact in someone’s life:

  • Withdrawing from activities (e.g. dropping out of extra-curriculars)
  • Changes in school performance 
  • Quitting jobs, avoiding social situations 
  • Impulsive behaviours (e.g. aggression, recklessness) 
  • Changes in eating or sleeping patterns 
  • Not taking care of personal hygiene 
  • Increased use of drugs or alcohol 
  • Repetitive/anxious behaviours that seem out of control 
  • Self-harming behaviours

Feelings that are intense and long-lasting: 

  • Overwhelming anger, worthlessness, sadness, or other distress
  • Showing no interest in things that used to feel important, or feeling “numb” 
  • A very high or “manic" mood such as extreme excitement or overactivity
  • Rapid mood swings, cycling through many different intense emotions
  • Extreme worry or anxiety that prevents participation in important activities

Thoughts that express intense hopelessness, worthlessness, or things that aren’t there:

  • “What’s the point?” “Nothing matters.” “They’d be better off if I was gone.”
  • “Everything sucks.” “I hate myself.” “I can’t do anything.” “No one cares.”
  • Talking about seeing or hearing things that (to everyone else) aren’t there (e.g. hallucinations)
  • Expressing thoughts and beliefs that don’t make sense to anyone else (e.g. possibly delusions) 

What is mental health? 

Mental health is a combination of someone’s mental, emotional, and social well-being. In other words, mental health is like physical health, but where physical health refers to our bodies, mental health refers to our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. 
 
Let’s get one thing straight; mental health and mental illness are not the same thing, but they’re not opposites either. Instead, you can think of mental health and mental illness as two separate but intersecting spectrums. On the mental health spectrum someone can fall anywhere in the range from poor mental health at one end to good mental health at the other. On the mental illness spectrum someone can have severe symptoms of mental illness, no symptoms at all or be somewhere in between.

BT-diagram-dual-spectrum-1.png


Think of it this way. Someone diagnosed with a physical illness or condition (e.g. asthma, anaphylactic allergies, diabetes, epilepsy) that is managed well can lead a happy and healthy life. At the same time, someone without a chronic physical illness can still get quite sick or injured (e.g. the flu, a broken wrist) and be in very poor health. Nothing is black and white in the health world. It’s a spectrum.
 
So, it’s possible to experience good mental health with or without symptoms of mental illness. Similarly, we can all experience times of poor mental health whether or not we also have a mental illness.

In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

Being there for someone experiencing a mental health crisis is different than supporting someone through less severe mental health distress, but the same Golden Rules apply. Learn how the Golden Rules apply and how to Be There in a Crisis.

Be There
Be There and Born This Way Foundation
Be There and Born This Way Foundation

You did it!

Thank you for taking the time to learn how to Be Kind / Be There. It’s more important than ever. We’d love it if you could take a few seconds to answer these questions to help us improve Be There. If you fill in your email, we’ll keep you in the loop with youth mental health updates. Together, let’s create a kinder, more supportive world.