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Your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s.

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Learn to recognize when you’re struggling, devote some time to self-care and reach out for help when you need it.

Signs You’re Stressed

Often, we become hyper-aware to signs that a loved one is stressed, but do you also pick up on your
own tell-tale signs?

Here are a few common signs that you’re stressed out:

Feeling restless, tired, or having a hard time falling asleep

Eating more than usual, or not feeling hungry  

Smoking, drinking, or doing drugs more than usual

Headaches, increased blood pressure, or increased susceptibility to colds, flu, or infection

Mood swings, or crying more often and more easily

Feeling helpless, overwhelmed, inadequate, unable to cope, or burned out

Talking and hanging out with friends less

Difficulty making decisions, solving problems, concentrating or remembering things

It’s normal to get stressed. 

Setting clear boundaries may help avoid excessive stress, but it’s vital to check in with yourself once in a while and carve out some time to unwind. 

Take care of your mental health.

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It’s important to take care of your mental health just like you do your physical health, but being there for yourself is about more than stereotypical self-care activities (like journaling or treating yourself to a bubble bath). Maintaining your own mental health looks different for everyone and it usually isn’t a shopping spree or an Instagram-worthy cupcake. It’s about noticing when you’re stressed or struggling, knowing what you need to be healthy and taking the time to do it.

When you’re supporting someone else in their mental health, it’s easy to get caught up in their needs and focus your time and energy on being there for them. Sometimes we can forget that our own mental health is just as important. It’s kind of like those oxygen masks in airplanes; you’re supposed to put yours on first and then help those around you. This doesn’t mean you have to have perfect mental health before you can be a support to others. None of us ever have perfect mental health. It is, however, important to pay attention to how you’re doing and take the time to care for your own mental health.

Three things to remember:

Self care is not a treat.

Supporting someone struggling with their mental health is often a long journey.

Progress may come slowly and put you through many ups and downs. Self-care becomes even more important when supporting someone long-term. Self care is not self-indulgent, it’s an important part of staying healthy that everyone needs to make time for. Take care of yourself and just keep following those Golden Rules. 

Questions from the Community

What if a situation or someone’s behaviour is upsetting or triggering to me?

What if a situation or someone’s behaviour is upsetting or triggering to me?

Always remember, your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s. To really be there for someone AND still stay happy and healthy yourself it’s important to know your role. Set boundaries and be understanding of each other’s needs.
 
If you’re finding some part of their experience or your supportive relationship too upsetting or triggering, setting boundaries is super important. Before setting boundaries, reflect on what exactly is upsetting to you. Is it the subject matter of your conversations? The level of detail discussed? When and where you’re interacting? Adjust these things as needed and talk to them about your concerns.
 
Even basic self-care (like making sure you’re well fed, well rested and not too stressed when having deep conversations) can really help boost your resilience and emotional capacity to be there for someone. If you think they might be sensitive to your bringing up the need to step back, one option is to take one for the team and apologize for not setting boundaries in the first place. The idea is not to make them feel bad or regret opening up to you, it’s to help everyone find and maintain mental wellbeing. As always, remember this isn’t all on you. Connect to help. Get others involved.
If I'm feeling overwhelmed, how do I take a step back without giving the impression I’m giving up on them?

If I'm feeling overwhelmed, how do I take a step back without giving the impression I’m giving up on them?

Just keep showing them that you care! Being real with them and sensitively explaining the limits of your role and your capacity (emotional, time, energy, etc.) can help both of you to set and respect the boundaries of the relationship. Often it’s because we want to preserve and maintain a friendship that we need to broaden their support network, not because you don’t care about them. Helping them find other people in their lives to open up to (e.g. if they’d like, be there with them the first time they talk to their parents, partner or a therapist) can help show you care too. Reassure them that you’re not giving up on them, explain where you’re coming from and that you’re connecting them to help because you care.
What if things get worse and I'm not able to help them?

What if things get worse and I'm not able to help them?

Sometimes you might feel like their situation is beyond what you can manage. Take a deep breath and remember that you’re not there to fix things, you just need to be there, listen and show you care.
 
Imagine supporting someone who is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe at first you feel like you can help; running errands, supporting a healthy diet, doing research on treatments and services. But you may reach a point where their illness has progressed to the point that you feel helpless. When we reach that point while supporting someone with physical illness, we put our trust in professionals. We can’t fix things, but we can still be there for a hospital visit, love, comfort and support. It’s the same when supporting someone struggling with their mental health. If you feel like you can’t help, it’s ok. It was never your role to fix things. Just be there, listen, show you care and connect them to help.
How do I take care of myself after an upsetting event or after getting tough news?

How do I take care of myself after an upsetting event or after getting tough news?

Check in with yourself. How are you feeling? Be honest. Look for changes in your thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are intense, long lasting and are impacting your day to day. These are signs that you might be struggling with your own mental health and need some support, so reach out for help. Whether you’re having your own mental health struggle or not, hearing sad news about a friend or witnessing a difficult situation can be hard on you. Show yourself some love by taking time to do things that make you feel good, and spend some time with people you trust and enjoy being around. Let them in on how you’re feeling instead of bottling it up inside. If you’re worried about confidentiality call a helpline, or find someone who isn’t so close to the situation to talk to.
How do I address my own feelings of guilt if I can’t be what they need?

How do I address my own feelings of guilt if I can’t be what they need?

There’s this thing called “caregiver guilt.” It’s when someone in a caregiving role (either taking care of a loved one or professionally hired to care for a client) feels guilty about things like:
  • Being healthy.
  • Taking time for themselves.
  • Not being understanding, patient or compassionate enough.
  • Feeling resentful or burdened by their role.
In the case of caregiver guilt, stress and relationships may skew our sense of what is reasonable to expect from ourselves and create a type of misguided guilt. So what do you do?
 
  1. Acknowledge the feeling. Don’t ignore it.
  2. Understand how you’re feeling. What’s been going on lately that is making you feel guilty? What do you feel guilty about? What other feelings are caught up in that? (Anger, frustration, tiredness, love, fear, etc.)
  3. Examine how you’re feeling. Is your guilt actually warranted? Just because you feel guilty, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Are your expectations of yourself realistic? Is this something within your control? Should you adjust your expectations and let the guilt go?
Remember, you aren’t there to fix the person. Your role is to be there, connect them to the help they need and follow up. That’s all you can do. And if you’re struggling with being there for someone, that’s ok. Take care of your own mental health first, and then be there in whatever capacity you can. Your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s.
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In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

Be There