It is really important to talk to your friend if you’re concerned that they might be struggling with their mental health.

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Describe the changes you’ve noticed in them and tell them why you’re worried.

What do I say?

Starting the conversation may seem really daunting. That’s ok, we get it. But it’s actually way easier than you'd think. Just tell them what changes you’ve noticed and ask if they’re ok. Simple as that.
 

Stick to the facts. Don’t judge. Don’t make assumptions. Just say what you see.

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“I’ve missed you at soccer the past couple weeks. Is everything ok?”​

“You’ve seemed really down the past few days. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“You’ve been so busy lately, are you taking time to eat? I miss having lunch with you.”

Sadia & Luana

She wasn’t herself

 Sadia & Luana
She wasn’t herself | Sadia & Luana
You didn't just ask me, "What's wrong?” You said, "Sadia, I noticed you've been closed off. What’s going on?” High school was a tough time for Sadia, and it wasn’t long before her mom, Luana, noticed worrying changes in the way Sadia was acting. Sadia became withdrawn and made excuses to not spend time with her family. Her friends noticed the changes too and expressed that this wasn’t the Sadia they knew. It took some tough conversations but, little by little, Luana built a relationship of trust by talking to Sadia about the changes she had noticed and letting her know that, as her mom, she would always support her, no matter what.

When do I say something?

A good rule of thumb is to reach out when you notice something is different. Maybe your friend isn’t laughing as much as they used to, or maybe they’re skipping class more than usual. If they just aren’t themselves lately, they might be having a hard time. Reach out and say something.

Everyone is unique so it definitely can be hard to tell whether someone is struggling with their mental health or just experiencing the regular ups and downs of life. But if you’re worried, there’s no harm in checking in.
 
If someone is really distressed and they pose a threat to themselves or others, this is a mental health crisis. This is not the right time to discuss the nuances of their mental health, it’s a time to take action. Think of it this way; if there's a fire, the first thing to do is call 9-1-1 and get out of danger rather than try to figure out what started the fire. If you witness or suspect a crisis situation, call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services right away. If you think you should call 9-1-1, then you probably should. Gut feelings are underrated.

Erin & Gaya

I had to ask her what was going on

 Erin & Gaya
I had to ask her what was going on | Erin & Gaya
“Since that first time we met, our relationship really has blossomed into a sisterhood. I really feel like I am part of her family.”  Erin and Gaya met in Grade 6.  Through the ups and downs of middle school they got to know each other pretty darn well so in Grade 8 when Erin started distancing herself from her friends and not showing up at school as much, Gaya knew something was up. One day she noticed Erin looked upset so she followed her to the bathroom to see what was wrong. Erin shared with Gaya that she had been sexually assaulted a few months earlier. It felt like a nightmare, she wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened and she just wasn’t coping. Sitting there on the bathroom floor, tears streaming down their faces, Gaya reassured her saying, "Erin, you are not alone. I'm here for you."

Facing Resistance

Paul & Jason

You stuck around, you asked questions.

 Paul & Jason
You stuck around, you asked questions. | Paul & Jason
“Jay's always been a strong person for me, someone who never gets down, can take a beating.” Paul and Jason met in Grade 9 drama class. A few years into their friendship they got their driver's licences and every so often, on the drive home from school, they’d pull over to the side of the road just to listen to music and hang out. There was no pressure to share your feelings or anything, but this routine gradually created an environment where they could be open about what was really going on in their lives. Several years later, Jason was in a pretty dark place and he asked Paul to keep an eye on him. Sometime later, when Paul was having his own mental health challenges, he was able to open up to Jason and get the support he needed too. Since then, they've started having regular check-ins to be there for each other's mental health.

Questions from the community

What if I don't know the person that well?

What if I don't know the person that well?

That’s totally fine. If you’re around them enough to notice a change that concerns you, it’s ok to say something. Keep it casual, stick to the facts and avoid making any kind of judgement or assumption. It’s enough to let them know that you’ve noticed a change and that you care. If they want to talk, hear them out! If they don’t want to talk, no worries: suggest some resources and let them know you’re around for a chat if they change their mind.

We already talked about it online, how do I bring it up in person?

We already talked about it online, how do I bring it up in person?

If someone shares their mental health struggle with you online that’s a sign that they trust you. When talking about it in person with them, consider when and where you bring it up. Go somewhere they feel comfortable and allow enough time to hear them out. Try something like, “Hey, you mentioned the other night that you were really stressed… I just wanted to check in. How are you feeling?”

What if there's a language barrier or a different cultural understanding of mental health?

What if there's a language barrier or a different cultural understanding of mental health?

Just like there are many different cultures and languages, there are many different understandings of mental health and mental illness. Acknowledge that you might have different perspectives but don’t be afraid to reach out, even if you don’t share the same first language. Say what you see, and think about how you can show you care without using words. Listen to how they’re feeling and what they’re experiencing and be open to different ways of moving forward. Hold space to hear their concerns, address barriers to being open about mental health and explore how the strengths of their community and culture can help support them. Help them to find services where they’re comfortable being themselves.
We’re not really on good terms, but I recognize they are struggling. What should I do?

We’re not really on good terms, but I recognize they are struggling. What should I do?

You can still say what you see, but be careful not to make assumptions or come across as judgemental. You might say something like, “I understand if you don’t want to talk, but I’m here if you ever want to chat.” You can offer to help connect them to help or just make sure they have the knowledge to find the right services and resources for themselves. It might be awkward, they might get annoyed, but it’s important to start the conversation and show you care.
 
If you have a hunch that a conversation would do more harm than good, don’t worry - you have options. Tell a mutual friend about the changes you’ve seen; maybe they’re in a better position to reach out. (Hint: refer that mutual friend to Be There!) You could also ask your school’s guidance counsellor or Kids Help Phone for advice. Be selective with who you tag in, but finding the right person who can respect confidentiality will help you rest easy knowing you’ve done the right thing.
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How to provide support

Well done, you broke the ice! Learn how to Show You Care to build trust and help them out.

NEXT GOLDEN RULE

Show You Care

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In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

Being there for someone experiencing a mental health crisis is different than supporting someone through less severe mental health distress, but the same Golden Rules apply. Learn how the Golden Rules apply and how to Be There in a Crisis.

Be There