Sometimes just knowing someone is there for you can make a world of difference.

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Showing you care can create a safe environment for that person, allowing them to open up and feel comfortable enough to talk things through. Part of being there for someone is also finding practical ways to help them get through their day to day life.

Create a safe environment

Everything you do and say is a little clue to the people around you as to how approachable and trustworthy you are. Being critical of someone (like their weight/clothing/accent etc.) might suggest that you’ll also be judgemental of someone’s mental health struggle. Being inclusive, compassionate, helpful, and a good listener in your daily interactions signals to others that you care about people and you’re a safe person to reach out to.

Actions speak louder than words

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Telling someone you’re there for them is a good first step. Even if you don’t know what to say, just shoot them a text to let them know you’re thinking about them. It’s also helpful to show you care through your tone of voice, body language and your actions.

When hanging out, put away your phone and look them in the eye.
Ask to give them a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, or hold their hand (if appropriate!).
Don’t rush the conversation; ensure you have enough time to show that you’re prioritizing them.
Offer practical help like making dinner, giving someone a ride, or running errands for them. 

Erica & Liv

What do you need?

 Erica & Liv
What do you need? | Erica & Liv
“I was checking in with her and really trying to show her that I cared for her at a time when she wasn't caring about herself.” When Liv was in the hospital, her older sister, Erica, would come visit her every day. Erica tried to remind Liv of things she enjoyed; anything to get her excited about being alive. They always shared a love for animals so when Liv got out of the hospital Erica drove Liv out to a farm she was taking care of.  Erica didn’t know what exactly Liv needed; Liv didn’t even know. But Erica knew her sister and what she had benefited from in the past. Understanding that Liv might not be able to ask for what she needed, Erica patiently tried one thing and then another. As Liv describes it, “It was almost like you had your arms out to catch me if I was going to fall, but you weren't right there being like, ‘You're going to fall and I'm going to catch you.’ "

Practical everyday support

Life is busy. We all get overwhelmed from time to time, even under the best of circumstances. Finding ways to help a struggling friend get through their day-to-day can be a huge weight off their shoulders and can sometimes be the best way to show you care.
 

Some practical examples:

Give someone a lift or lend them your bike or transit pass.

Take a few chores off their plate.

Make them a meal or bring them their favourite food.

Write out the questions they have for their doctor.

Offer to go with them to an appointment or to pick up their prescriptions.

Help them organize finances, complete paperwork and keep track of appointments.

Offer to share notes if you have a class together.

Visit them at their home, or in the hospital.

Shawn & Shaiya

Tough love

 Shawn & Shaiya
Tough love | Shawn & Shaiya
Moving to a new country and finding your way around a new school all while undertaking a PhD is no easy feat. Lucky for Shawn, Shaiya, an upper year PhD student, took him under her wing. Shaiya became a mentor for Shawn, helping him learn the ropes in the lab, editing his papers, and even having him over for Christmas dinner. Shaiya saw potential in him and helped him by showing she cared and supporting him through many transitions with her no-nonsense, straightup tough love.

Figure out what support they need

Ashna & Bryanna

I'm here for you

 Ashna & Bryanna
I'm here for you | Ashna & Bryanna
“I wanted to let her know that I was thinking about her and considering how would she feel in that situation.” Ashna and Bryanna became fast friends after meeting at their university orientation. As Bryanna got to know Ashna she started to see how introverted Ashna was and looked for ways to help her be more comfortable with their friends. One weekend Bryanna was hosting a group of friends at her cottage.  She let Ashna know she was welcome to hang out in a separate room if she needed some time to recharge.  Ashna remembers, “I just really appreciated that you were taking the extra step to make sure I was comfortable and that I could have a fun time, but you didn't assume that I needed any of that, you were totally cool with whatever. You let me set the terms of what I needed.”

Questions from the community

What can I do to help life continue on as usual?

What can I do to help life continue on as usual?

Listen, be flexible, and prioritize relationships over routine. Struggling with your mental health or living with a mental illness can be isolating. Sometimes symptoms such as social anxiety, panic attacks, low energy or being easily overwhelmed might limit the types of activities someone can do or places they can go. For others, the stigma of mental illness creates feelings of fear or embarrassment that affect how someone experiences life while struggling with their mental health. Being there for someone is about helping a fellow human, even if it changes up your regular routine.
 
E.g. Maybe you love watching movies together, but public transit and crowds at the theatre are just too much today; that’s ok, stream something from the couch!
 
E.g. Maybe your friendship is built on sports, but lack of appetite and low energy means pickup basketball isn’t in the cards today. Find another way to be active like going for a walk or get your fill of sports by watching tonight’s game on TV. You could even find a new common interest you both like.
 
The world is your oyster; don’t let yourself get stuck in routine if it jeopardizes time spent together.
How do I offer support without sounding condescending?

How do I offer support without sounding condescending?

Know your role. People come across as patronizing or condescending when they assume they have all the answers. This is multiplied when they try to fix the situation or the person. To avoid coming off this way you’ll need to check your ego and your assumptions at the door, and let the person you want to support show you what they need. This will look different in every situation; some people know and will be able to articulate what they need, while others may only show signs of how you can help and will need some discussion to uncover the specifics. The only way to know what someone needs is to ask.
What if they have a panic attack?

What if they have a panic attack?

Someone having a panic attack will experience physical symptoms (e.g. shortness of breath, sweating, trembling, or racing pulse) and psychological symptoms (e.g. extreme fear, a sense of being out of control, or feeling removed from their body.) Though incredibly distressing and uncomfortable, panic attacks can and do subside with time, typically within 10 minutes to 1 hour. If someone is having a panic attack, you can support them by doing the following:
  1. If you can, bring the person to a quiet place where they can have some privacy and sit or lie down.
  2. Encourage them to breathe slowly. You can ask them to breathe with you and match your pace of breathing.
  3. Listen. Don’t judge. Remain calm.
  4. Explain that they might be having a panic attack but that it’s not life threatening, and that it will pass.
  5. Stay with them and reassure them until their symptoms subside.
  6. Follow up. Once they’re feeling better, ask them if there was something you could have done to better support them.
 
It can be hard to tell the difference between a heart attack and a panic attack since many of the symptoms are the same. Heart attacks aren’t common in young people but if someone having a panic attack also has a heart condition or has had a heart attack in the past, call 9-1-1 or emergency services to get them checked out. If they have no concerns about their blood pressure or heart health, help them calm down and if the symptoms of their panic attack don’t subside call 9-1-1 or emergency services.
What if they live far away?

What if they live far away?

Don’t let distance stand in the way of showing someone you care. Pick one of the bazillion ways of communicating and commit to staying in touch. If words aren’t your thing, get creative with ways to show you care:
  • Send a care package.
  • Order them a surprise pizza delivery.
  • Share pictures and videos to keep one another up to date on your lives.
  • Plan a trip to go see them or invite them to visit you.
  • Help them connect to resources and the community around them.
See more

How to be a good listener

You’ve started the conversation, they know you care, now it’s time to listen. Learn how to Hear Them Out.

NEXT GOLDEN RULE

Hear Them Out

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In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

Being there for someone experiencing a mental health crisis is different than supporting someone through less severe mental health distress, but the same Golden Rules apply. Learn how the Golden Rules apply and how to Be There in a Crisis.

Be There
Be There and Born This Way Foundation
Be There and Born This Way Foundation

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