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You’re not their therapist or their doctor. You’re there to listen. So, don’t fix, don’t preach.
Just be there.

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What is your role?

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we overstep our supportive role and offer advice that causes more harm than good. We’re not here to judge, preach or fix anyone. It’s not usually helpful to sugarcoat things or compare their experiences with your own.
 
Your role is to be there for them, period.

Learn to keep your own opinions and biases in check.

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Don't judge.
Their feelings and experiences are valid whether or not you understand them. Your role is to make them feel heard and supported.
Don’t preach.
Giving advice can come off as dismissive of their problems. Unless they directly ask for your opinion, resist the urge to give advice or try to fix things.
Don’t downplay
the situation or be the eternal optimist. Sometimes trying to make them feel better can imply that they are overreacting.

Estyr & Kirbie

We’re talking ‘bout boundaries

 Estyr & Kirbie
We’re talking ‘bout boundaries | Estyr & Kirbie
“I just felt like everyone was asking for more and more and I was like, ‘There's nothing left to give.’” Estyr and Kirby met in university and while living together was “super fun,” it was also challenging. Kirby was going through some tough stuff, as we all do, and began to rely heavily on his friendship with Estyr for support. In the absence of physical boundaries, setting emotional boundaries in their friendship was especially hard. Anytime Kirby was a little lonely, needed comfort, or just wanted to chat, he would call Estyr, flooding her phone with texts and missed calls. It was too much, he was stretching Estyr too thin. It took a lot of hard conversations and some creative problem solving, but as Kirby explains, “This boundary was because she loved me, and it was so that our relationship could stay healthy.”

Setting boundaries is important to maintaining healthy relationships especially when you’re supporting someone struggling with their mental health.


We all need friends we can talk to (and have fun with!), but being there for someone does not mean you become their therapist, personal assistant, or primary caregiver. There are a few different types of boundaries you can set, and a bunch of different ways to set them.


Types of boundaries:

  • Your role. You’re not a therapist or caregiver. You’re their friend, being there for them doesn’t change that.

  • Your capacity. You only have so much time, energy and emotional bandwidth. You can’t be their only support, you’re going to need reinforcements. This is where professional help comes in.
  • Your mental health. You can set boundaries around anything you feel will help protect your mental health and theirs (e.g. topics that are off limits, means of communicating, etc.)



 

Here are some tips on setting boundaries,
but do what works for you.

Be upfront. Communicate your limits and discuss boundaries early.

Assume the best of them and talk to their best self. They care for you and want you to be healthy too.

Revisit the boundaries you set if you feel that you’re drifting beyond them.

Be open to change. Circumstances change and so will your capacity to be there for someone. Don’t be afraid to reassess your limits and communicate them.

Keep on keeping on. Continue to do things you’d usually do together. Don’t let the relationship become all about support.

Bri & Neta

I didn’t need someone to fix me or tell me it will get better

 Bri & Neta
I didn’t need someone to fix me or tell me it will get better | Bri & Neta
“I just remember you were having a really rough time, and I remember not knowing exactly what to do. So, what I settled on was just sitting there.”  Bri remembers seeing Neta’s text. “S.O.S. I'm in an emotional health crisis. I need someone to be here with me." It was a winter night, it was freezing out but Bri headed straight over to Neta’s house. Neta was going through some major life changes and was struggling with anxiety and depression. She was already seeing a therapist and taking the right steps to manage her mental health; she didn't need Bri to offer solutions. She needed the validation of somebody being there, seeing her at this low, and for that to be ok. Bri recalls, “I just showed up there ready to just be there and really follow Neta's lead and see how I could support her in the best way possible.”

Being in the right frame of mind

Erica & Liv

You still demanded respect from me

 Erica & Liv
You still demanded respect from me | Erica & Liv
“You really can’t love someone else unless you love yourself.” As Liv’s older sister, Erica played an important role in supporting Liv through challenging times with her mental health; not as Liv’s therapist, doctor or mom, but as her sister and her friend. Erica was able to physically be there for Liv, driving her to the hospital, making her lunch; but it wasn’t easy. Erica had to balance holding Liv accountable while being compassionate, cutting her some slack while still demanding respect. Erica understood that sometimes Liv needed a bit more space, but she also understood that she was a person too and deserved respect.

Questions from the community

How do I control my own emotions during the conversation?

How do I control my own emotions during the conversation?

You’re human; it’s ok to show emotion. In fact, it’s normal when you’re invested in a relationship, especially if that person is having a hard time. Sadness, anger, worry, fear, shock, frustration… you might be in for an emotional rollercoaster ride. It’s how you handle those emotions that counts. In many situations it’s totally fine to show how you feel, and might even deepen the trust of the relationship or allow someone to open up more when they see you’re being real too.
 
But if strong emotions are getting in the way of creating a safe and open conversation, you’ll have to tone it down a bit. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk; if you sense you’re reaching your limit, take a break. Even better, try to anticipate when your emotions might get too intense. Being self-aware of what might set you off will help you catch the early signs (clenched jaw, sweat, can’t think clearly), and avoid getting too worked up.
 
Bottom line: emotions are normal. It’s fine to let them show from time to time - just as long as they don’t discredit how someone else feels or get in the way of safe and open conversation. 
What if there is a power dynamic at play (e.g. they’re my boss, they’re way older than me, they look up to me, etc.)?

What if there is a power dynamic at play (e.g. they’re my boss, they’re way older than me, they look up to me, etc.)?

Conversations with people in positions of power or people that you have authority over can be hard to gauge. If you notice a change that concerns you, say what you see but keep it casual and do not make any assumptions. If they want to talk to you, then hear them out. If you sense some resistance, ask yourself whether you’re the right person to continue the conversation. You might say something like, “Maybe I’m not the best person for this but I noticed you’ve been down lately. So if you need someone to talk to, my door is open.” You can offer to help them connect to help, or just make sure they have the knowledge to find the right services and resources for them.
How often should I check in with them?

How often should I check in with them?

4.25 times a week. Just kidding, everyone is different so there’s no absolute answer. Ask them what they need and how often they want to touch base. Make a plan that you’re both comfortable with, but focuses on what they need. Give them space but check in from time to time and keep an eye out for warning signs. If you see something that worries you, say what you see and hear them out. Similarly, know the signs of crisis and immediately connect them to help.
What if I think someone is just faking it or doing something to get attention?

What if I think someone is just faking it or doing something to get attention?

If someone is showing signs that they’re struggling with their mental health then it’s important to follow up, regardless of if you think they’re faking it or not. It’s not your place to judge why they’re acting this way or if what they’re doing is a valid expression of what they need. Whatever the reason behind these warning signs, your response should always be to show you care and hear them out. Even if someone were just looking for attention, there’s a reason behind that behaviour and something is going on. Ask questions to try to better understand the issue and then you can connect them to the help that’s appropriate for them.
Am I the best person to be there for them?

Am I the best person to be there for them?

Maybe. Maybe not. It’s impossible to say, but here are some facts to consider:
  1. It’s really hard for most people struggling with their mental health to reach out and talk to someone.
  2. For one reason or another, either they mustered up the courage to talk to you, or you know them well enough to have noticed a change that worries you. 
So are you the “best” person? Best person for what? You don’t have to have the answers, just be there, and listen. Remember to set appropriate boundaries and that it’s not all on you. Connect them to help, so you’re not their only source of support. And if for whatever reason you don’t think you’re the right person to be there for them, that’s ok. Help them find someone in their community, a friend, a loved one, a resource or mental health professional to support them.
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In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

Be There