You’ve opened up a conversation, now let them speak!

More

Being a good listener means striking a balance between listening, asking questions, and sharing your experiences.

Learn to listen

Listening is the most important skill when being there for someone. Don’t preach, pry, or pretend to have all the answers, just try to understand where they’re coming from and be as supportive as you can.

Balance the Conversation

More

Most conversations are a mix of listening, asking questions and sharing your thoughts or experiences. Being there for someone means prioritizing those elements of the conversation in that order.

Listen.
That’s the most important thing and if that’s all you do, you’ve done just fine.
Be Curious.
Keep your questions open-ended and ask follow-up questions based on what they say.
Share Wisely.
Most of the time it’s not necessary (or helpful) to share your own experience or give advice.

Shawn & Shaiya

Rediscovering Shawn

 Shawn & Shaiya
Rediscovering Shawn | Shawn & Shaiya
In Barbados, where anything outside of the cis-hetero norm is frowned upon (at best), Shawn learned to put on a mask to hide his true self. Moving to Canada was an opportunity for him to free himself from the expectations of others, and to become the person that he always wanted to be. But how? Shawn met Shaiya at school and, coming from similar backgrounds, they clicked. After years of suppressing his true, authentic self, coming out to Shaiya was hard but she listened without judgement and was nothing but supportive. Shawn remembers, “That was mind blowing to me to just have someone being there to listen about my life, and my experiences. It was actually very healing for me to be able to talk about it.”

Listening is pretty simple, but we all get it wrong sometimes.

 

We try to fill the “awkward silence” or fix problems by offering advice. That’s not really listening. Here’s some tips on being a better listener.
 

Pay attention. Make eye contact. Put your phone away.

Nod to show you’re listening but don’t interrupt or cut them off.

Allow space for silence and time for them to collect their thoughts.

Paraphrase and summarize their thoughts back to them.

Ask for clarity when you need it.

Validate how they’re feeling. E.g. “That sounds really hard.” “I can see how frustrating that would be.”​

Use your body to show you’re listening. Turn to face them, lean in, uncross your arms and relax.

Jessie & Manvir

You were continuously checking in

 Jessie & Manvir
You were continuously checking in | Jessie & Manvir
You did a great job of continuously checking in, like a couple of weeks later sending a text, "Hey, I care about you. What's going on?" Jessie was having a tough year. Issues with work, relationships, health, family; it was all piling up. Jessie’s friend Mani noticed she wasn’t as social as usual and reached out. He didn’t assume anything was wrong, he didn’t judge her for not keeping in touch; maybe she was just busy.  Mani checked in with Jessie and asked how she was doing.  With open-ended questions and gentle but persistent follow-up Mani got Jessie past her initial resistance to open up and gave her space to share what was going on.

Remember this conversation is about them, not you.

Mel & Matt

I truly thought I was alone.

 Mel & Matt
I truly thought I was alone. | Mel & Matt

"I just remember thinking, me too." Mel and Matt have been friends for as long as they can remember. They have so much in common - they're practically twins. One of those similarities happens to be that they both struggle with their mental health. Being from a small town, they each struggled to find someone to open up to until  they found that support in each other. Since then they’ve realized one of the best ways to support each other was to create an open atmosphere where no one will judge you for sharing how you’re feeling. Mel says that knowing she has Matt doesn’t mean she’ll never have a bad day again, but that it does mean that she’ll never have to face that bad day alone.

Questions from the community

How do I show concern without being intrusive?

How do I show concern without being intrusive?

Hear them out. Ask open ended questions instead of prying for specific details. The purpose of asking questions is not to figure everything out, it’s to listen, learn and ensure they feel heard. So don’t push them. If they need space, give them space.
How do I keep their situation from escalating during the conversation?

How do I keep their situation from escalating during the conversation?

Focus on the things you can control, such as, your own emotions and responses. You don’t have to be a robot, but be careful that the emotions you show don’t get them more worked up. If they get upset, listen, validate their emotions, pause, hang out and just be there until they’re ready to come back to it. Check out Hear Them Out for tips on how to be a better listener.

Having these kinds of supportive conversations is like pulling over to the side of the road to check under the hood. You might not have the tools or know-how to fix the car or even tinker with the engine; it’s just a chance to check if you need a mechanic. Similarly, if someone is upset, just listen, show you care and know the limits of your role as a friend. If you find you’re in too deep, connect them to help.
See more

How to set boundaries

As you listen, remember: it’s not all on you. Learn to Know Your Role.

NEXT GOLDEN RULE

Know Your Role

4/5

In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

Being there for someone experiencing a mental health crisis is different than supporting someone through less severe mental health distress, but the same Golden Rules apply. Learn how the Golden Rules apply and how to Be There in a Crisis.

Be There