You’ve opened up a conversation, now let them speak!

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Being a good listener means striking a balance between listening, asking questions, and sharing your experiences.

Learn to listen

Listening is the most important skill when being there for someone. Don’t preach, pry, or pretend to have all the answers, just try to understand where they’re coming from and be as supportive as you can.

Balance the Conversation

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Most conversations are a mix of listening, asking questions and sharing your thoughts or experiences. Being there for someone means prioritizing those elements of the conversation in that order.

Listen.
That’s the most important thing and if that’s all you do, you’ve done just fine.
Be Curious.
Keep your questions open-ended and ask follow-up questions based on what they say.
Share Wisely.
Most of the time it’s not necessary (or helpful) to share your own experience or give advice.

Paul & Jason

You stuck around, you asked questions.

 Paul & Jason
You stuck around, you asked questions. | Paul & Jason
“Jay's always been a strong person for me, someone who never gets down, can take a beating.” Paul and Jason met in Grade 9 drama class. A few years into their friendship they got their driver's licences and every so often, on the drive home from school, they’d pull over to the side of the road just to listen to music and hang out. There was no pressure to share your feelings or anything, but this routine gradually created an environment where they could be open about what was really going on in their lives. Several years later, Jason was in a pretty dark place and he asked Paul to keep an eye on him. Sometime later, when Paul was having his own mental health challenges, he was able to open up to Jason and get the support he needed too. Since then, they've started having regular check-ins to be there for each other's mental health.

Listening is pretty simple, but we all get it wrong sometimes.

 

We try to fill the “awkward silence” or fix problems by offering advice. That’s not really listening. Here’s some tips on being a better listener.
 

Pay attention. Don’t look bored.

Don’t interrupt or cut them off.

Allow space for silence and time for them to collect their thoughts.

Paraphrase and summarize their thoughts back to them

Ask for clarity when you need it

Validate how they’re feeling. E.g. “That sounds really hard.” “I can see how frustrating that would be.”

Pauline & Edmee

My job was to listen and support her

 Pauline & Edmee
My job was to listen and support her | Pauline & Edmee
"I knew it wasn't my place to be giving her solutions. … My only job was to listen to what she wanted to tell me and support her in any way that I could." Pauline met Edmee in university at the Faculty of Music where they were both studying piano.  In fourth year Edmee developed thoracic outlet syndrome; she could hardly lift a pencil, never mind play piano. She had lost her means of expressing herself and was overwhelmed with fear that she would never play again.  Pauline noticed that Edmee wasn’t herself. She was there for Edmee and listened to her worries. She couldn’t heal Edmee’s injury or promise she would play again but she could listen and that helped Edmee feel less alone.

Remember this conversation is about them, not you.

Leslie & Sydney

Knowing she went through something similar meant a lot

 Leslie & Sydney
Knowing she went through something similar meant a lot | Leslie & Sydney
“I could see that Syd was going through a bit of a hard time and I wanted to share that I had also been through a similar situation in the past.” Leslie and Sydney met playing ultimate frisbee and immediately hit it off.  Leslie was new to the city and was looking for friends; Sydney was going through a tough transition at work and found Leslie was someone she could trust. As Sydney opened up about what she was going through, Leslie recognized parts of her story to be similar to her own. At times Leslie found it challenging to balance listening to Sydney with sharing from her own experience but recognized that what worked for her might not work for Syd. Leslie remembers, “I felt sometimes that I wanted to help you, but in my mind was like, well, it's not exactly the same situation, we're not the same people. I don't want to push anything on you."

Questions from the community

How do I show concern without being intrusive?

How do I show concern without being intrusive?

Hear them out. Ask open ended questions instead of prying for specific details. The purpose of asking questions is not to figure everything out, it’s to listen, learn and ensure they feel heard. So don’t push them. If they need space, give them space.
How do I keep their situation from escalating during the conversation?

How do I keep their situation from escalating during the conversation?

Focus on the things you can control, such as, your own emotions and responses. You don’t have to be a robot, but be careful that the emotions you show don’t get them more worked up. If they get upset, validate their emotions, pause, hang out and just be there until they’re ready to come back to it. Having these kinds of supportive conversations is like pulling over to the side of the road to check under the hood. You might not have the tools or know-how to fix the car or even tinker with the engine; it’s just a chance to check if you need a mechanic. Similarly, if someone is upset, just listen, show you care and know the limits of your role as a friend. If you find you’re in too deep, connect them to help.
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How to set boundaries

As you listen, remember: it’s not all on you. Learn to Know Your Role.

NEXT GOLDEN RULE

Know Your Role

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In an emergency:

This is not a site for personal disclosure of mental health distress, suicidal thoughts or behaviours. If you are in crisis, please call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services or go to your nearest emergency department for assistance.

If someone’s thoughts or behaviours threaten the safety of themselves or others, then this is what’s called a mental health crisis. Call a helpline, 9-1-1 or emergency services. If someone has recently hurt themselves, but is no longer in danger, follow Be There’s Golden Rules and connect them to resources in their area.

Being there for someone experiencing a mental health crisis is different than supporting someone through less severe mental health distress, but the same Golden Rules apply. Learn how the Golden Rules apply and how to Be There in a Crisis.

Be There